They Found Me 30 Minutes Too Soon | Jordan Bailey | 052

1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,000
Hey everybody, it's Mick from
When You Look giving you a heads

2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,880
up that there's a parental
advisory on this particular

3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,280
episode.
There's great insight in it,

4
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:13,280
lots of amazing conversation,
but not all of the topics are

5
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:17,560
ones that you necessarily want
your younger kids listening to.

6
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,400
I feel like I had an out of out
of body near death experience

7
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:29,080
because I I remember seeing it
like I was like floating above

8
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,680
the ceiling of my bedroom
looking down and watching them

9
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:35,560
run into my room.
I had my dog at my feet.

10
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,080
I had three letters on my chest.
One of them was like right in my

11
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,800
right ear and I can still like
hear what she was saying.

12
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:46,280
Welcome to When You Look, where
ordinary people share their

13
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,960
extraordinary experiences and
you get to decide, was it

14
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,040
coincidence for God?
Jordan?

15
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,960
Welcome to When You Look.
So great to have you here.

16
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,280
I'm so excited to have this
conversation with you.

17
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:04,400
Man, we are for sure pumped to
hear it because you have an

18
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:08,080
amazing story.
But before we get into that, we

19
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,160
need to get to know you a little
bit.

20
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,320
So tell us a little bit about
yourself.

21
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,640
Of course I'm Jordan Bailey.
I'm a creative in the marketing

22
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,920
field in a little town called
Kingsport, TN.

23
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,160
I went to school in Atlanta at
the Savannah College of Art and

24
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,000
Design, thought I was going to
be a fine artist, but I'm in

25
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,400
marketing.
But I get to bring creativity to

26
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,680
work with me every day, which I
love.

27
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,640
And I also have a little side
hustle called Weirdo because I

28
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,560
love to put weird things in
dough.

29
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,320
It's a little baking side
hustle.

30
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,560
And I have two cats.
And at the time of this

31
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:49,960
recording, I'm single, so.
Well, it sounds like quite the

32
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,720
adventurous life for you thus
far, so it.

33
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,520
Is so much fun.
That is awesome.

34
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,640
Well, thanks for the little bit
of background.

35
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:00,240
I I know for sure we want to
hear at some point a little bit

36
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,440
more about weirdo.
For all of those that are

37
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:06,880
wondering, that is weirdo with a
DOUGH.

38
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,000
So if you're Googling that right
now, you'll probably be able to

39
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,920
find Jordan that way, But we'll
hear more about that in a little

40
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:16,120
bit.
But let's get into kind of the

41
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:20,920
meat of the story that brings
you here to, when you look, give

42
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,160
us the back story and then walk
us through things as it went for

43
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,000
you.
Yeah.

44
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,000
Well, I did grow up going to
church a lot, but there was not

45
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,600
a lot of conversation about what
the Holy Spirit was.

46
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,080
And so it was more about like
you better act right in church.

47
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,360
I did a lot of volunteering,
part of the youth group.

48
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,840
I went on every mission trip.
I was playing in the youth band.

49
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,840
I was leaving worship for the
big church.

50
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:58,400
And so it was very performative,
not knowing really that it was

51
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,200
at the time because I felt like
I was doing the right thing.

52
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,000
Yeah.
But I was still, I think, always

53
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,240
missing that connection piece of
community, which is the

54
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,720
recurring theme over my entire
story is community.

55
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:18,560
And so I although I had all this
experience, I had the, you know,

56
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,360
I memorized Bible verses.
I didn't have a relationship

57
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:26,560
with God.
It wasn't really modeled to me

58
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:32,280
at home.
It wasn't always the most gentle

59
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:38,360
of households.
And that caused a lot of hurt

60
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:42,560
that I'm, you know, dealing with
now as an adult and which I

61
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,280
think led to a lot of my
problems as an adult because

62
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,520
there were things I, I didn't
even know were issues that hurt

63
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,240
me.
And it created a lot of false

64
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:56,640
identities in me.
One thing that I've learned

65
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,520
recently, because I don't, I
didn't really go through any

66
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,440
like big T trauma events as a
kid, but there might have been a

67
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:08,640
lot of little T trauma.
And Tim Fletcher is a trauma

68
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,720
expert I've been learning a lot
from lately.

69
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:15,480
And he described little T trauma
as the good things that we

70
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,320
didn't receive.
So whether that was

71
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,960
understanding or connection or
love or whatever.

72
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:30,360
And so that's kind of where I
start as an adult, having that

73
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:35,160
false identity as disposable or
unworthy.

74
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,320
Wow.
Yeah.

75
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,960
And so I was trucking along,
graduated high school, went to

76
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:47,160
college.
My senior year of college, at a

77
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,560
little place in little place in
Texas, I got a mass

78
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:54,120
communications degree.
I was spoken into by a mentor at

79
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,840
the church I was working for at
the time.

80
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,280
I was doing youth ministry for
about 3 years.

81
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,880
Loved it.
That was one of the best jobs

82
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,200
ever.
And I was doing, I mean, a lot

83
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,680
of eating of burritos and
sleepovers.

84
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,440
Very, very fun.
And I was trying to teach the

85
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,560
Bible and show kids love.
And again, I think I was just

86
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,520
constantly seeking out that
community because I always felt

87
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:21,880
a little other my whole life.
And so I thought, you know,

88
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:27,440
maybe I can love the other
others in that youth group.

89
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,360
And so I was able to kind of
love them.

90
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:34,240
But anyway, I had a mentor.
I was doing a lot of creative

91
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,680
things for the church, kind of
outside the scope of what a

92
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:42,040
normal youth intern would do.
And someone said, you can

93
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,920
actually have a creative career
because at the time, I thought I

94
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,760
was going to be a journalist
and, like, save the world.

95
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:54,520
But he said, I dare you to apply
to five art schools, and I will

96
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,400
pay for all your application
fees.

97
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,120
And this was my senior year of
college.

98
00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,960
I was like, why am I going to go
to art school now?

99
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,040
I'd never even taken an art
class in my entire life.

100
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,320
Oh wow.
So it was like, what am I doing?

101
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,480
And it was the first really
scary thing, but I think it

102
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,920
really spoke to my soul for the
first time to think that I could

103
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,440
pursue something that I never
thought was possible.

104
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:20,440
And someone saw something in me
and believed in me and said,

105
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,400
here's the money for it.
Like I will support you in this.

106
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,840
And it was a really good act of
love for this.

107
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,360
He was my boss at the time to
show like shower me with this,

108
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:35,640
like pouring into of like, I see
this thing in you and I want to

109
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:40,800
foster that.
And so I felt seen for the first

110
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:45,640
time and ended up getting into
SCAD, the Savannah College of

111
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:49,240
Art and Design.
I decided to go to the Atlanta

112
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:53,200
campus.
And so I'm 21, I just graduate

113
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,520
with my first degree.
I surprised my parents at my

114
00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:01,440
graduation dinner and say,
surprise, I'm going to a school

115
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,440
again, I'm going to start school
over again.

116
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,360
And they're like, wait, what?
How are you paying for this?

117
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,760
But I was saying I was
thankfully I had a scholarship.

118
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,000
I was very blessed.
I mean, I would this was it.

119
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:16,240
Has God written all over it?
Because everything just happened

120
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,760
so easily and it fell into place
in line and met the right people

121
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:24,360
at the right time.
And I think the the journey for

122
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,440
how I got to school was such a
God thing.

123
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:33,920
And I see like the connection
of, of how it all happened, but

124
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,360
it was what happened when I got
there that started to unravel

125
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,120
everything.
Absolutely.

126
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:46,200
Fill us in.
So I'm 21, guess what happens

127
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:51,200
when you're 21 and you're and
you're living outside the house

128
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,640
for the first time?
Because I grew up in Amarillo,

129
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,640
TX and Atlanta is about a 21
hour drive away.

130
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,840
So I'm nowhere near mom and dad
anymore.

131
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:06,840
And I didn't, I didn't really
occur to me to really seek out a

132
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,160
church home When I got to
Atlanta.

133
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:15,720
I was missing community.
Well, I found community, just

134
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:21,840
not in the church.
And so I, you know, a full time

135
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,280
student, but you know, you can't
really have a nine to five.

136
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,680
So a lot of, that's why a lot of
students will bartend or wait

137
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,559
tables.
And that industry is full of

138
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,400
people who like every, every
time you get off a shift, you

139
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:41,200
have a drink.
And so I found my community of

140
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:47,200
people, I found friends.
It was just like a huge culture

141
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,680
shock.
And I, I just felt like this was

142
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:54,640
how I, this is how I become less
other.

143
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,400
How can I be kind of cool or how
can I fit in?

144
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,480
I'm being invited to these
parties.

145
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:08,600
And it felt right at the time.
It felt good at the time, but I

146
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:13,600
regret a lot of that because it
ended up becoming a habit that I

147
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:21,400
could not stop once I got home.
And so that led to some alcohol

148
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,760
abuse.
I don't ever rephrase that.

149
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,040
That lets you a lot of alcohol.
Abuse.

150
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:37,160
So, yeah, I mean, just, it's
heartbreaking to think that I, I

151
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,280
feel like I wasted a lot of what
could have been the best years

152
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:48,640
of my life not being sober.
And I mean, I was doing well at

153
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,920
school.
Dean's list every quarter, you

154
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:58,400
know, graduated with the cum
laude, felt like I had all this

155
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,440
potential.
You know, it's an international

156
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,480
art school.
It's very well renowned and it's

157
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,840
an accolade to graduate from
there.

158
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:10,400
And I was doing such cool things
with cool people until

159
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,840
graduation happened, and then
that community ended.

160
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:19,240
My art community, my education
community, the people I was like

161
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:24,480
going out and doing like outside
of school are our exhibitions

162
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,800
with.
And a lot of those people,

163
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,840
because they weren't wasting
their time on the weekends or

164
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,920
every weekday drinking, they
were off getting jobs and having

165
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:42,040
internships and really building
up their portfolio and being in

166
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,360
a lot healthier mental space.
And so a lot of my friends went

167
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,040
off to LA and New York or just
got really cool jobs in Atlanta

168
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:57,280
or Chicago.
And I tried my best at the time,

169
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:01,680
which was that as a very
unhealthy person who was abusing

170
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:06,440
alcohol and other things, and I
just couldn't seem to find my

171
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:11,120
fit again in Atlanta.
And then all in.

172
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:16,240
So like, you know, I'm graduate.
I had two degrees, I couldn't

173
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,560
find a job in the town that I
thought I loved.

174
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:24,360
All of my community's gone.
I went through a massive breakup

175
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,840
and 2015 thought I was going to
marry him, was planning out my

176
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,000
whole life.
And then it ended because we

177
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,400
were both very unhealthy and it
was a good thing that we ended

178
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,960
it.
But I didn't know who I was.

179
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,920
And I was believing all these
lies about me, about myself,

180
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:47,800
that maybe I am disposable and
maybe I don't have any potential

181
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,280
and maybe I'm just good at
school and I can't actually rock

182
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:58,000
it in the real world, right?
And so I was like, I had opened

183
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,760
up this, my last bartending job
was at a really cool music venue

184
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,200
in Atlanta.
And it was so toxic.

185
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:13,320
And you know, I would, I would
just come home and on the days I

186
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:17,280
wasn't working, I would wake up
and pick up a bottle of wine

187
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,680
because I, I couldn't like, I
couldn't just be alone with my

188
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,320
thoughts.
I was, what I'm learning now is

189
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:28,080
that I was numbing my own mind
because I felt so uncomfortable

190
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:33,920
being sober.
And so that was my mid 20s.

191
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,280
And I really, I really have a
lot of regrets about that.

192
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,720
And I feel like when I connect
with other people, I hear other

193
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:47,160
people's stories.
I get it because I've been

194
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:51,160
through some really dark times.
That was when so 2015 through

195
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:55,040
2016 were the worst years in
Atlanta.

196
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,280
Just bartending and and being as
numb as possible to my own

197
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,640
thoughts.
I wasn't really making any work.

198
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:09,000
All of my identities were gone,
my community was gone.

199
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:19,960
And so I started really having a
ton of crazy thoughts about what

200
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:28,680
if I just didn't exist anymore.
And it I, I remember a specific

201
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,880
day that I just felt like I
couldn't get out.

202
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,800
I mean, there are many days I
didn't get out of out of bed,

203
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,520
but I just didn't know what to
do anymore.

204
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:45,560
And I had the thought of like,
what would that phone call to my

205
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,720
mom be like if she got a phone
call about that?

206
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,080
And that was what made me call
her.

207
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:59,160
And she's a good lady.
She's a good lady.

208
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,560
She she came and got me.
She came and got me.

209
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,680
She rescued me and so I lived
with my parents for a couple of

210
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:12,560
months in Texas.
And then she another grace of

211
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,920
God moment.
She got a job out in Tennessee

212
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,520
and it was just kind of like, I
don't even know she was looking

213
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,200
for another job.
She just said, hey, I'm moving

214
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,560
to Tennessee.
You can come follow me if you

215
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,160
want.
I had nothing going on.

216
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,640
I was desperate for a new, for a
change.

217
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,560
I was still abusing alcohol at
this point.

218
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,040
And I don't think they, I don't
think they knew, I don't think

219
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:46,720
they knew to hide it somewhat.
And so I did follow her.

220
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:52,120
It was an it was a beautiful,
it's a beautiful story because I

221
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:56,640
mean, I was easily, I found the
agency that I'm currently

222
00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:01,760
working for 8 1/2 years ago and
I moved there to work with them.

223
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,560
And as I continue to tell my
story, just remember I'm with

224
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,760
the same people.
And so through all my missteps

225
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:14,200
and the next couple of years,
like they kept saying like, no,

226
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,520
we love you.
You're worth being here with us.

227
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,880
You're part of our family.
And they've employed me even

228
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:24,160
despite some of the things that
have happened, which other, I

229
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,480
think other employers wouldn't
have kept me around.

230
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:32,960
So it's I and where we're at, as
at the agency now, is in such a

231
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,480
beautiful space and I just know
that it was all part of God's

232
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,280
plan.
But again, I'm once again, I'm

233
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:43,240
new to a state.
I don't know anyone.

234
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,480
I don't have a community yet.
I still don't seek out a church

235
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:50,080
community.
Where do you find friends when

236
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:53,160
you are you to town?
The bar.

237
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:59,800
The bar and I did and I found my
friends and they were just as

238
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:04,440
unhealthy as me.
And, and so pretty much

239
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,760
immediately I started getting
into trouble with driving under

240
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:13,680
the influence and got my first
arrest, my first two arrests

241
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,440
within the first two years of me
being in Tennessee.

242
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:27,840
And so that by now it's October
14th, 2018, I experienced A

243
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:39,200
traumatic interaction with with
a guy and was also the second

244
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:46,000
time I was I was arrested and
something I said to the officer

245
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,160
who took me in made him think
that I needed to be put into the

246
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:55,800
suicide watch tank.
I wasn't given a phone call.

247
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:01,480
I don't know if you know much
about, but just for anyone who

248
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,960
doesn't know what the suicide
watch tank is in a county jail.

249
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,880
It is where it is dark.
It is a room with no beds.

250
00:17:08,839 --> 00:17:11,160
You can't wear clothes.
So they give you like a little

251
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,760
turtle suit that you just have a
head, you know, hole for your

252
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,319
head, but otherwise you're
naked.

253
00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:19,319
And so like no respect for
privacy.

254
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:24,240
You're completely stripped away
of all of your anything that

255
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:29,800
could give you security or
safety in a, in a room with no

256
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:34,280
beds, just like kind of a
concrete bench where you can sit

257
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,720
down and a toilet in the middle
of the room.

258
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,360
And at any number.
I mean, they never turn off the

259
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,520
lights.
And I honestly feel like it is

260
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:50,280
kind of a torture because every
hour they do a proof of life

261
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:51,880
check.
That makes sense, right?

262
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:55,320
But they make you lift your head
every hour.

263
00:17:55,400 --> 00:18:00,720
So if you do end up getting some
sleep, falling asleep, somehow

264
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:07,800
you get woken up every hour.
And so I was in there, got

265
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,560
arrested, went in on a Sunday.
It was Wednesday before anyone

266
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:16,200
on the outside found me because
I didn't get a phone call.

267
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,560
So I was basically a missing
person.

268
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:22,640
No one could find my car.
I mean, that stressed out my

269
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,560
whole family.
And then finally someone decided

270
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,840
to call the jail, and I was
there.

271
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,360
But you can't be bailed out
until after you're seen from a

272
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,600
licensed therapist and counselor
that says you're OK to be put in

273
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,120
some general population and then
you can get bailed out.

274
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:43,160
And so the way that the guard
spoke to us, the names they

275
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:47,720
called us, the women I met while
I was in there who were in

276
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,960
there, either they just said
whatever they could to the

277
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,760
guards so they can get out of
their cell for a little bit and

278
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,880
get a new environment.
Even though it was the worst

279
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,600
environment, fights that
happened, physical altercations

280
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,160
that happened right in front of
me.

281
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,040
And I've never been in a place
like that before.

282
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:10,760
And I was scared.
And I thought, really, I've lost

283
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,680
my job.
I don't know what I'm going to

284
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:17,600
do.
They only like you shower once

285
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:22,640
every three days.
I mean, it was not a place of

286
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,080
healing for people who aren't
suicide watch.

287
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:33,040
It's quite the opposite.
And so, and again, I do believe

288
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:39,400
with my whole heart, 10 toes
down, the way the staff guards

289
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:45,640
treated us was abusive.
And so I started writing my

290
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:51,560
suicide note in my head and I
memorized it.

291
00:19:54,440 --> 00:20:01,280
And I knew that that was in
October, my first court date to

292
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:05,960
show up to be sentenced for.
So that was just, you know, my

293
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,360
arraignment.
But that actual sentencing for

294
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:12,880
like whatever more time I was
supposed to serve was going to

295
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,200
be on December 18th.
And so I made my plan.

296
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,040
That's when I would do it.
I would spend the next two

297
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,160
months planning everything out,
collecting all the pills I

298
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:28,000
needed to make sure that it was
successful, that I was not.

299
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:34,640
And I'm so thankful for it.
I do believe, I mean, I just

300
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,880
remember and during the two
months of my continuing to go

301
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:45,400
back to work, my boss convincing
me to go to therapy.

302
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,040
And so I showed up for a few
sessions.

303
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:57,160
But when you're sick, I think
you kind of know, like, what

304
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:02,640
what to say to avoid any.
Yeah, you know, anyone catching

305
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:07,240
you, catching on to you.
And so I can't even.

306
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:12,320
I mean, there were days I would
just cry in the drive through

307
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,960
trying to get food.
I mean, it was, I was hopeless.

308
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,400
And if there's anything that I
just, the outcome of this

309
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:24,160
conversation is really just to
speak to people who might feel

310
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:33,360
like that because, gosh, there
is hope and there is healing.

311
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:37,360
And I know what it's like to
want to die and to feel like

312
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:43,200
there's no other way out.
Yeah.

313
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:48,360
And so that morning I was
missing work. 3 coworkers came

314
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,880
and found me.
They asked.

315
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:58,040
The morning of your court date.
Yes, December 18th, 2018 and I

316
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,720
was laying in bed.
I had written my notes so it was

317
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:14,120
the same same note.
I started in that room and if I

318
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:17,480
feel like I had an out of out of
body near death experience

319
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:21,880
because I I remember having seen
it like I was a bit like

320
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,080
floating above the ceiling of my
bedroom looking down and

321
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:31,320
watching them run into my room.
I had my dog at my feet guarding

322
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,560
me.
I had three letters on my chest

323
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,320
and one of them was like right
in my right ear.

324
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,640
And I can still like, sometimes
I'll have flashbacks, not so

325
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,960
much anymore.
But right after the at that

326
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:51,560
experience, I would have
flashbacks or maybe like PTSD.

327
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,320
But I can still like hear what
she was saying.

328
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,160
And she has a very, very sweet
Tennessee accent.

329
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,560
And it was and I just, I feel
like she called me home.

330
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:09,160
Not, you know, ambulance came,
picked me up, revived me.

331
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:20,240
And so I, I mean, I remember
talking with the doctor a day or

332
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:24,520
two later at the hospital and he
said like, if they had waited 30

333
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,200
minutes to an hour, I probably
wouldn't have been alive.

334
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:35,640
And so I, I know that that's a
God thing because I had taken

335
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:40,280
those pills the day before.
There is no reason like it

336
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,840
wasn't that I did it that
morning.

337
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:46,560
It was like I had been like that
for probably 18 hours.

338
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:54,600
So I don't think it is not a
coincidence that I'm alive.

339
00:23:56,040 --> 00:24:01,360
And if I can do anything to help
steer other people away from

340
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:05,040
making that decision, that's why
I'm sharing my story and that's

341
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,680
why I'm so vulnerable because it
gets reliability.

342
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:12,040
Like I want people to understand
like it is OK to not be OK, but

343
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:17,360
it's not OK to stay not OK.
Like there is hope.

344
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:23,160
And so, you know, because that
happened in like middle

345
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,400
December, of course, I spent
Christmas and New Year's in a, a

346
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,760
great facility in my home in
that town.

347
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:37,600
And you know, just because you
make the decision that you want

348
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,920
to get better, it doesn't mean
that you're just better.

349
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:47,600
So it really takes time and
practice and you have to still

350
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:52,800
decide to get better every day
because it's really easy to say,

351
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,280
I'm going to do XYZ, I'm going
to follow this plan.

352
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,560
I'm going to take my inventory.
I'm going to do, you know, this

353
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:04,960
therapy stuff when you're
motivated, but there are days

354
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:08,360
when you're not motivated and
you that you feel that like

355
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:13,560
hopeless feelings sinking back
in and you have to be resilient

356
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,760
in those moments.
And being resilient doesn't feel

357
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,240
like you're being resilient.
It just feels like you're being

358
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:24,120
like you're scared.
But then you can look back when

359
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,440
you have some distance and
really acknowledge like, wow, I

360
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,400
was really resilient during that
time.

361
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:37,000
And so flash forward a couple of
years, of course, 2020 happens.

362
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:42,120
This whole time I'm I'm actually
doing therapy.

363
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,320
Like I'm really telling the
truth.

364
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:53,800
Big difference.
Yes, Huge had a great therapist

365
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,680
and I was always, really not
always, but when I was working

366
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,960
in Atlanta and I was at these
really cool bars that I was

367
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,720
working in bartending, doing
crab cocktail bartending and

368
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,240
rubbing elbows with the, you
know, the chefs with all the,

369
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,560
the knives and the, the
vegetables like tattoos and

370
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,360
everyone always makes like a
really good pork belly slider.

371
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,600
I was rubbing elbow with really
cool chefs that I've never had

372
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,040
experience.
I mean, I was just falling in

373
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,720
love with food culture and like
celebrity chefs.

374
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,320
And then I moved to this like
smaller town that doesn't

375
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,560
necessarily have as big of a
awesome food scene as Atlanta.

376
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:39,880
And so I feel like I, I was
complaining at the time that,

377
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:44,520
you know, that there was like, a
lack of good food in my area.

378
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,080
And I guess I it, this could be
a metaphor for something even

379
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,040
bigger, too.
But my therapist was saying

380
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,840
instead of complaining about
there not being any good food,

381
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,880
why don't you start to learn how
to make it?

382
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,160
Because I didn't really know how
to cook.

383
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,600
I knew what I loved and good
food and I loved the bougie

384
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,280
stuff and loved being
pretentious.

385
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,080
I thought I was going to be a
sommelier at one point, but then

386
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:13,400
I never spit out the wine.
And so.

387
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,720
Yeah.
And so like I had I, I was like,

388
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,560
OK, I think I had good taste,
but I don't have the skill.

389
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:25,920
And so that was how I started to
heal, was learning how to cook

390
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,240
because I live alone.
I'm perpetually single,

391
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,480
perpetually dating, but never
anything serious.

392
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,280
And so like, how do I spend my
time at home?

393
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,960
And it was a great habit and I
recommend it for anyone to learn

394
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,680
how to cook properly.
And so I was taking like master

395
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:48,280
classes with Gordon Ramsay and
learned about knife skills and

396
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:56,440
learn how to make stocks and
even just like food culture and

397
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,680
like how different, like
different cultures around the

398
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,240
world, like use food for
different expressions and why we

399
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,640
get, you know, the crossover.
It was just fascinating to me.

400
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:08,960
And so that was my whole world,
my whole personality.

401
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,760
And it really was a way that I
could spend time at home doing

402
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:20,240
something healthy and feeding
myself emotionally, spiritually

403
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:24,200
and literally.
I was actually eating good food

404
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:28,800
instead of the frozen meals that
I used to eat because I didn't

405
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,640
have the energy.
And so it gave me like a thing

406
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:36,120
to get excited about.
And I think when you are healing

407
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:41,440
from extreme depression and
going and by the way, I started

408
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:48,040
a sober journey at this point
journey not didn't hit the

409
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:52,720
destination right away, but up
and down.

410
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:58,280
But I really was trying.
And so I, if anyone is like

411
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:02,880
really struggling with healing,
recovering from depression or

412
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:06,600
alcohol abuse, you, I think when
you're taking something away

413
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,680
from your life, you have to add
something healthy in place of

414
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:13,000
it.
And getting a habit or a hobby

415
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:17,440
like cooking or needlepoint or,
you know, anything else that's

416
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,000
really fun to do, that's not
harming yourself.

417
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,480
I think that's like, that's what
you need to focus on and get

418
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:27,000
obsessed with it.
And so I did.

419
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:31,560
To fill the space.
Yes, and take up the time

420
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:40,640
because I just, I feel like I
wasted my mid 20s and early 30s.

421
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:46,040
And so at this point I'm like
kind of documenting my cooking

422
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:49,320
journey on social media and
sharing with people all the

423
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:52,000
things that I'm learning and
like plating skills, I'm really

424
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:54,560
getting into like food
photography.

425
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:59,200
And it's like everything in my
life just was joining like my

426
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,920
creative, my creative desires
and like desire to create

427
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:07,560
something cool and visual, but
also like with the food.

428
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,040
And because of that, because I
was sharing what I was learning.

429
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,400
And I think this is a huge key
as well.

430
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:18,160
Share what you're doing with
people because then I started

431
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,800
getting opportunities to
actually start teaching cooking

432
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:24,120
classes at a cool cooking
school.

433
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,960
And so I'm like starting to make
money doing food stuff.

434
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:35,680
And it was like a hope that
like, oh, I can, I can do and be

435
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,360
something that I never thought I
could do.

436
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,680
And it was like this beautiful
thing that I could lean into.

437
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:45,320
And so still, still like every
once in a while struggling with

438
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:49,280
sobriety, but for the most part,
like making a really good,

439
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:55,280
really good college try at it,
you know, and, you know, really

440
00:30:55,960 --> 00:31:01,000
withdrew from that previous
community.

441
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,160
And I have a great work
community.

442
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:07,080
I always have, but I still
didn't have that spiritual part.

443
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:18,800
And so at this point, it's 2022.
I fell in love with baking and I

444
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,920
was.
I made a bacon cookie, like a

445
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,120
cookie with bacon in it and
caramel and chocolate and sea

446
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,400
salt.
And I posted a picture of it.

447
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,120
Someone said, hey, can I buy a
dozen for Thanksgiving?

448
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:35,960
So right around this time couple
years ago, I have started baking

449
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:42,160
for people for the first time.
Loved it felt like super driven

450
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:44,120
by it.
I felt like God was saying this

451
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,480
is the next thing I'm inviting
you into.

452
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,360
It was a puzzle I didn't know
how to solve yet.

453
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,760
Like I don't know what it like,
how do I package it?

454
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:57,280
And like, I mean, it was and I
wanted to brand it.

455
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:01,880
And so like again, it was my
creativity with like now I'm

456
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:04,960
kind of being an entrepreneur.
I didn't think I could do that

457
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,600
before.
And so God was showing me like

458
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:12,680
every little step of obedience
that I'm taking in my journey of

459
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:16,280
healing.
He you get another opportunity

460
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:20,040
that is like giving life into
you.

461
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:28,560
And so weirdo was born and then
gosh, I just, I mean, I was just

462
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:33,040
being so filled up, but still,
even with all that good stuff

463
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:35,440
happening, I was so struggling
with alcohol.

464
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:43,800
And so I'd actually, so this was
so back in March.

465
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,800
So I do, I do the weirdo thing.
I actually start selling at a

466
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:51,040
grocery store, really cool
boutique grocery store in an

467
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:55,400
adjoining town and loved it.
So now I'm like baking for

468
00:32:55,400 --> 00:33:00,320
retail and every I'm just
turning out like you know then

469
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,360
that's paying my rent and I'm
just loving it and I'm thriving

470
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,720
in it.
Still struggling with alcohol.

471
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,640
I go back to I find a great
church.

472
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,840
Christ Fellowship in Kingsport
TN changed my life.

473
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,200
Not the actual church, but the
people in the church who loved

474
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:20,280
me and they taught me.
They were teaching classes.

475
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:24,720
They call it equip classes
because their whole mission is

476
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:29,000
to equip people to be.
God created them to be.

477
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:33,080
And so they do equip classes.
And the first one I took was

478
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:37,520
called Hearing God.
And so around the time that I'm

479
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:41,600
starting my business, I'm
falling back in love with Jesus

480
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,200
and I'm still struggling with
alcohol.

481
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:56,200
Yeah.
And it that hearing God class

482
00:33:56,200 --> 00:34:02,840
changed my life and I started
learning how to like be silent.

483
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:08,199
And I was hearing how really the
main message that I started

484
00:34:08,199 --> 00:34:11,960
hearing from the creator of the
universe was that I was his

485
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:18,360
daughter, his beloved daughter.
And it was chasing away that

486
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,840
false identity I have of being
disposable or unworthy.

487
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:29,440
Because if God says I'm his
daughter and if he can say that

488
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:33,840
even after what I did to myself
and he's telling me he forgives

489
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,760
me.
And I had countless encounters

490
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:40,360
of just silent praying where I
just felt like the Holy Spirit

491
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:45,840
was holding, holding my hand, my
head with his hands and saying

492
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:50,880
like you are enough.
And I created you to stay here

493
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:58,600
and talk about it.
And so I probably share too many

494
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:02,240
details for some people and like
my social media about some of my

495
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,960
struggles.
But I think it's because I feel

496
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:10,000
like God has told me that this,
like my story is to be used and

497
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:16,160
not just hidden.
And I'm not afraid to share

498
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,800
those vulnerable details.
And I think other people who

499
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,440
might be can still benefit from
it.

500
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:25,160
And so I just give all the glory
to God for just he spoken to me,

501
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,920
he ran after me.
I was definitely the prodigal

502
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:35,400
son, prodigal daughter, I guess.
And and he picked up his robe

503
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:38,600
and ran after me into the field.
And he didn't wait for me to

504
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,320
come all the way home.
He came and got me.

505
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:45,680
And then gosh, when I've had,
when I have hard days, like I

506
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:49,160
had a hard day today with just
anxiety and stuff, I just felt

507
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:53,200
God saying like, I'm coming, I'm
right here, like I'm chasing

508
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,200
after you.
Don't despair.

509
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:59,640
I am right here and learning how
to hear from God, learning to be

510
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,560
contemplative and just to sit in
silence and ask him, what do you

511
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:03,960
want me to know?
What do you want me to do?

512
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:09,120
He will give us these feelings
or we'll speak through other

513
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:11,480
people or through scripture or
through nature or through music

514
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:15,160
or through angels or through any
other way that he could, he

515
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,520
could speak.
He's only going to say good

516
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:23,520
things, righteous things.
He's only going to say that he

517
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:27,000
loves you.
So I'm having all this amazing

518
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:31,120
like spiritual revelation.
I'm still struggling with

519
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:37,280
alcohol.
So I so that, so this is where

520
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:42,280
the, the big event comes like
March 2024.

521
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:49,080
I get arrested again and this
time it's this time it's bad.

522
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:55,640
And it was like all of those
like fairly like I could have

523
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,080
definitely gotten away with it,
but I think I wasn't supposed

524
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,840
to.
And I think not that I think God

525
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:06,560
caused the arrest, but it was a
wake up call that without that,

526
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:08,520
I would probably still be in
that cycle.

527
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:16,400
So even though it has it changed
my life for the worst, it also

528
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:20,840
changed my life for the better.
And it was a major wake up call.

529
00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:24,880
And so this is like the main, I
guess story.

530
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:29,560
I can't believe it's taken me so
long to tell this story, but so

531
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:36,240
I was so blessed.
This is where like I know it's

532
00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:42,200
not a coincidence meant because
there I had a whole 15 months

533
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:45,840
between my arrest and my
sentencing because by the grace

534
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:50,680
of God and by the grace of a
good lawyer and a good judge, we

535
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:54,440
decided they allowed us to
reset, reset, reset every time

536
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:58,720
we went to court.
And it was I'm just lucky.

537
00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:02,720
I think it was just a God thing,
but it was like I he wouldn't

538
00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:06,280
let me go there until I was
ready to do what he wanted me to

539
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:11,480
do there.
And so within that 15 months of

540
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:14,000
waiting without having that,
like, I knew I was going to have

541
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,280
to spend, you know, about 65
days in jail.

542
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,880
I had that hanging over my head
for 15 months.

543
00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:27,320
And so like, I, it was just a
battle every day.

544
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:31,280
But also it was like, Oh my
gosh, God loves me so much.

545
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,960
I, I, I'm a lie.
I didn't hurt anyone.

546
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:39,000
I didn't hurt myself.
I told a car that I loved, but

547
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:44,040
other than that, like I survived
something that could have killed

548
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:48,800
me again.
And God saying I'm not done with

549
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,120
you.
I'm going to use this.

550
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:53,280
Just wait.
Just be obedient.

551
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:55,040
Come on, let's go, let's go,
let's go.

552
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:59,400
And so I'm like, yes, I like I
surrender.

553
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:05,600
And in July in 2024, I probably
baptized at my church and shared

554
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:07,960
a little bit of my journey with
my community.

555
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,880
I actually started being really
honest with the really amazing

556
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:15,400
Bible city that I have that I've
been part of for a couple years

557
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:19,120
now.
And they didn't run away.

558
00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:24,880
They loved me.
And that's sex community that

559
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:29,000
saved my life.
Gosh, I love those women so

560
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:33,560
much.
And so and, and again, like I'm,

561
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,440
I'm thriving in my business
still.

562
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:40,720
I get and I get nominated to do
a Ted X talk again.

563
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,560
I had, I didn't, I didn't know
if I could say yes because I

564
00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:45,080
didn't know when I would be
going to jail.

565
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:51,560
But I just felt like, I just
felt like God was saying like if

566
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:54,600
you if someone invites you to a
party, you say yes.

567
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:04,400
And, and so I just like, and
I've never spoken in public

568
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,040
before.
And so I start the journey of

569
00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,960
doing this with just like not
even knowing if I'd have to drop

570
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:14,000
out because like, how do you
tell the Ted organization that

571
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:18,120
like, sorry, I can't do this Ted
talk, I'm going to jail and so.

572
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:25,600
But I mean it it the timing.
There is not no coincidence

573
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:30,200
whatsoever the timing of it.
Because June 3rd, 2025 I did my

574
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:36,400
TE DX talk.
July 7th, I walk into jail as

575
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:38,200
the healthiest version of
myself.

576
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:43,240
Wow.
And I felt like God was saying,

577
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:47,240
I'm giving you 65 days because
I've been running, running,

578
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:51,800
running full time job, running
a, a retail bakery business,

579
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:55,560
preparing for a Ted talk.
And he's like, you're about to

580
00:40:55,560 --> 00:41:00,400
have nothing to do for 65 days.
No responsibilities, no job, no

581
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:03,480
business.
I want you to use this time to

582
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:07,800
write and to love women.
And it was the scariest thing

583
00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:14,560
I've ever done because I walk
into jail and gosh, there's at

584
00:41:14,720 --> 00:41:17,960
the first night I got pulled out
of my bunk.

585
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:23,280
The big the big dog on campus
thought I said something on the

586
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:27,280
phone that implicated that I had
brought drugs in with me because

587
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:29,840
I was seeing drugs around me in
the cell.

588
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,960
And I was so naive.
I kind of maybe mentioned

589
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:36,600
something about like I'm nervous
or my sobriety in here to

590
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:41,280
someone else I was talking to.
I was so scared, and they

591
00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,400
thought that that meant that I
brought some in.

592
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:46,720
And so they pull me out and get
right up in my face.

593
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:49,600
And like you say, that they're
going to charge me with a

594
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:53,040
conspiracy to introduce, which
is a felony.

595
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:57,360
And so they're interrogating me
like I'm guilty.

596
00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:02,320
And thankfully I wasn't.
I mean, obviously I hadn't.

597
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:06,560
And so they realized that they
made a mistake.

598
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:16,440
They moved me to a new cell,
Cell P for Papa, and I was so

599
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,440
scared.
There was still drugs in that

600
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:22,840
cell, but it, it, the, the air
was different.

601
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,440
It felt like I was supposed to
be there.

602
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:29,240
It really felt like, OK, this is
where like, and I felt like this

603
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:34,280
connection with God inside that
cement room more than anywhere

604
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,680
else.
To this day, even since I've

605
00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:41,200
been out, I just felt like
constant communion, constant

606
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:45,280
communion.
And so, so I want to.

607
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:47,840
This is a heart.
I said I haven't shared this

608
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:50,160
with anyone else, but I know
that she wouldn't mind.

609
00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:54,240
So there is a woman.
I'm going to use her real name

610
00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:58,280
because I know she won't mind.
Amanda, who I think was my

611
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:04,640
guardian Angel.
She had prior experience in

612
00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:08,560
prison.
She was there to wait to be

613
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:14,120
taken to Nashville because we're
in Tennessee to find out that

614
00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:16,280
she was probably done serving
her time.

615
00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:19,200
She doesn't have to spend any
more time in prison.

616
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:24,600
And so it was it was something
that you have to do.

617
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:27,480
I mean, unfortunately, you still
have to go in and show up and

618
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:32,800
whatever, but it was only
supposed to take anywhere

619
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:40,120
between a week and two weeks.
And while we were in there, it

620
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:43,320
was like we so we started
leading Bible studies together.

621
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:49,320
And because I don't look like
talk like act like have the

622
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:53,200
experiences as any of the other
women in there, for the first

623
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:56,120
two weeks, they were convinced
that I was a snitch or working

624
00:43:56,120 --> 00:44:01,520
with the police.
And so for a few, for a probably

625
00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:06,000
that first week, some of the
women in there who had things to

626
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:10,280
hide or a business running,
running in and out of the room

627
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:14,800
with a lot of money attached and
some drugs attached threatened

628
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:20,280
to kill me if I got in the way
of their money or just hurt me,

629
00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:23,800
which is also scary.
Sure.

630
00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,360
But I was just terrified,
absolutely terrified.

631
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:32,280
But my solace was my friend
Amanda, and we, I've connected

632
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:35,000
with her on a level that I've
never connected with.

633
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:41,280
She truly was a soul friend and
she had had crazy experiences,

634
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:47,760
these crazy stories that she had
a faith in God, that she knew a

635
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:50,400
lot of the concepts I had
learned from the Hearing God

636
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:51,960
class.
She had a relationship with the

637
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:55,800
Holy Spirit in a way that used
different words and meant the

638
00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:58,880
same thing.
But because she had that

639
00:44:58,880 --> 00:45:05,120
background of, you know, for the
life that she lived before, she

640
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,720
was able to communicate with the
women in there in a way I

641
00:45:07,720 --> 00:45:11,720
couldn't.
And so I was really diligent

642
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:16,080
almost every day.
I would spend, I was really

643
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:23,440
diligent almost every day.
I would spend my days doing

644
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:30,720
Bible studies and I would be, oh
gosh, just writing, writing,

645
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,320
writing.
Like I have 4 Manila folders

646
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:36,240
worth of paper.
I wrote 35 Bible studies.

647
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:41,320
And Amanda and I teamed up and
we were able to take on topics

648
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,800
that were really relevant to the
women in the room.

649
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:47,000
Like there's a lot of conflict
in jail, a lot of physical

650
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:51,720
altercations, you know, a lot of
back and forth.

651
00:45:51,720 --> 00:45:59,040
He said, She said, Like
everyone's scared and it, we

652
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:04,680
needed like some things to talk
about and like, how would Jesus

653
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:06,680
do this?
How would God redeem the

654
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:10,480
situation right now?
Or how like just really

655
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:15,120
practically like if we want to
be like Jesus in this room, what

656
00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:17,880
does that look like?
And we started getting a few

657
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:23,360
women also kind of included and
involved and, and I started

658
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:28,880
walking a few of the women
through hearing God, practical

659
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:32,560
ways to like, access that.
And they've never even known

660
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:34,520
that that was a thing before,
just like me.

661
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:38,840
And so I'm seeing these women
like or go through the identity

662
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:41,960
exchange process that I've
learned through Dame Jamie and

663
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:47,640
Donna Winship.
And so do you know who they are?

664
00:46:48,720 --> 00:46:50,600
I love them.
Yeah.

665
00:46:51,720 --> 00:46:55,400
Jamie Winship actually helped me
get sober because I, I know him,

666
00:46:55,400 --> 00:46:57,600
he goes, he, they live in
Kingsport.

667
00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:01,320
So I actually met him just
through the church I go to.

668
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:04,760
And I just thought he was like,
he was working for the church at

669
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:07,240
it at the time.
So I just, I didn't know who he

670
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:10,280
was, but Jamie wanted to help me
get sober.

671
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:17,720
And so that's God I know.
And he, I mean, they, they have

672
00:47:17,720 --> 00:47:26,560
been so such a loving couple in
ways that like, it doesn't make

673
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,200
sense in the ways that they've
loved me.

674
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,920
They hardly know me and they've,
they've helped me out in so many

675
00:47:31,920 --> 00:47:34,960
ways.
And I know they do that for

676
00:47:34,960 --> 00:47:37,040
countless other people just
around the world.

677
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:43,760
So, but like all of the all of
the things that I've learned,

678
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:47,560
I'm teaching in there.
And so I had this little

679
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:50,960
ministry going and after the
first couple of weeks when

680
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:55,640
finally, you know, and out those
death threats stopped, some of

681
00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:59,600
the women were, you know,
lovingly but kind of joking.

682
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:06,560
They were calling me the Jesus
dealer, but it really was just a

683
00:48:06,560 --> 00:48:09,000
partnership between like me and
Amanda.

684
00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:13,160
And so remember I told you that
like I was so scared every day

685
00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:15,960
that she might you never you
never know when you might get

686
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:20,160
taken to go to prison to go see
what that deal is.

687
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:24,240
But it was like even the guards
were like, we don't know why you

688
00:48:24,240 --> 00:48:26,680
haven't been pulled yet.
So at this point, you know, I'm

689
00:48:26,680 --> 00:48:29,280
serving my 65 day sentence.
I know when I'm getting out.

690
00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:33,680
And so as the longer that she
was there, even though I was so

691
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:36,440
grateful that she didn't leave
the room because she was my

692
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:38,360
safety net.
She was my bubble.

693
00:48:38,560 --> 00:48:42,880
She was my I mean, she was my
soul sister.

694
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:48,160
We would share, we would read
David G Binner books together.

695
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:53,320
We we were having like the
deepest conversations at the

696
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:55,400
highest level than anyone I've
ever known.

697
00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:58,480
And it was over beans and hot
dogs.

698
00:48:59,320 --> 00:49:02,960
Yeah, because to be clear, she's
an inmate along with you.

699
00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:08,160
Correct.
And she's had, you know, I'm

700
00:49:08,160 --> 00:49:10,440
not, I don't even remember how
much time she had served, but

701
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:14,360
years in prison.
So we were all like, why is

702
00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:17,480
Amanda still here?
Because they had taken other

703
00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:24,040
women in the same situation as
her a month or weeks earlier.

704
00:49:24,720 --> 00:49:30,640
And so my she knows that my time
out is going to be soon on

705
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:34,080
September 9th and she got
hopeless.

706
00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:37,040
She's like, why am I like I she
felt forgotten like there was

707
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:39,800
issues with the state, even her
lawyer, her mom, like they're

708
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:42,360
all trying to communicate and
like they're not getting any

709
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:47,000
answers.
So I get out September 9th, Mick

710
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:52,280
as I'm they dressed me back into
my street clothes and had to

711
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:56,320
walk past that cell one more
time and she was packing up her

712
00:49:56,320 --> 00:50:01,640
stuff because 20 minutes after I
get called out, she, she gets

713
00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:06,800
the call and she came, she came
in on the same day I did.

714
00:50:07,480 --> 00:50:15,600
So we did the exact same time to
the hour and there was no rhyme

715
00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:21,000
or reason, but I just know that
she was my she kept me sane.

716
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:24,640
I couldn't have done that time
the way I I wouldn't have been

717
00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:28,800
able to have the influence
because what I my role was to

718
00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:31,960
write the Bible studies, do all
kind of like the knowledge stuff

719
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:33,800
or like figure out what we're
going to talk about.

720
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:38,760
And then she helped me
communicate that in the way that

721
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,440
would be heard to the people we
were talking to.

722
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:45,640
Yeah.
And she was.

723
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:52,240
Credible.
Absolutely and with people were

724
00:50:52,240 --> 00:50:55,000
calling me Jesus freak.
Everyone called her my my

725
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:57,480
guardian Angel, not Jesus freak.
She's a stealer.

726
00:50:57,600 --> 00:51:00,920
I they probably have called me
back too.

727
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:04,520
They well, listen, they call me
a lot of other things, but I

728
00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:09,800
won't say those on this podcast.
But but yeah, they, if they were

729
00:51:09,800 --> 00:51:11,440
calling me Jesus dealer, they
were calling.

730
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:14,280
They kept saying like, oh,
Amanda's Jordan's guardian

731
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:19,080
Angel, and within 20 minutes she
got taken after me.

732
00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:24,520
Yeah, wow.
So I've been out for a couple of

733
00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:30,360
months.
It has not been easy to could

734
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:33,520
just join back into my life
again after what I experienced

735
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:42,840
and, you know, experiencing some
PTSD, but I'm having as much of

736
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:48,760
as as much of like the, the
stressful situation of that

737
00:51:48,760 --> 00:51:52,120
place.
I also draw back to those

738
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:56,880
memories of the communion that I
had with God to Get Me Out of

739
00:51:56,880 --> 00:52:02,240
the stress.
I mean, I can't explain it, but

740
00:52:02,240 --> 00:52:06,360
I just know that I needed to be
there.

741
00:52:09,280 --> 00:52:12,440
It disrupted my life.
It probably like I don't think

742
00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:17,200
I'll be able to get back my
retail business partnership

743
00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:21,480
again.
You know, I mean, I don't know

744
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:23,880
what the next couple of months
looks like for me.

745
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:28,400
And but I just know that when I
was in the most stressful

746
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:32,800
situation and environment around
women who scared me, God

747
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:34,840
transformed my heart to start to
love them.

748
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:39,800
And I really do.
I really do love them and I miss

749
00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:43,920
some of them and I and I know
that he was trying.

750
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:51,160
He was communicating to me that
even the the women, like, part

751
00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:54,520
of what my identity is, is that
is that kind of a creative

752
00:52:54,520 --> 00:53:00,800
communicator and my desire.
And I really feel called to love

753
00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:05,040
women who feel also feel
disposable and are unworthy and

754
00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:08,840
to make sure that they know that
they are not defined by their

755
00:53:08,840 --> 00:53:13,840
worst decision or their inmate
number because that, yeah,

756
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:17,400
that's what changed my life.
That's the only way I could

757
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:22,760
survive that experience.
And it's how I'm still trying to

758
00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:24,320
figure out how to survive on the
outside.

759
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:28,840
It's just knowing who God
actually calls me and not

760
00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:31,760
believing the lies of my false
identity.

761
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:36,760
And it's the, it's the, it's the
identity exchange, you know,

762
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,440
concept.
But it changed.

763
00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:45,960
It's changed my life.
Oh, Jordan.

764
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:56,080
Wow.
Kim and I that's why I'm that's

765
00:53:56,080 --> 00:54:01,280
why I just want to share my
story because if I could have

766
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:06,720
heard this years ago, I probably
wouldn't have experienced A

767
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:12,640
heartache that I've gone through
and put myself in like the, you

768
00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:16,280
know, because having legal
troubles is not cheap either.

769
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,400
And so there's that extra
stress, right?

770
00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:21,240
And so like court fines and
other fees you have to pay and

771
00:54:21,240 --> 00:54:25,840
like, you know, the, the general
shame that you feel.

772
00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:30,240
And so like, how do I, you know,
how was it to walk back in the

773
00:54:30,240 --> 00:54:32,960
church after that when I knew
people knew where I was?

774
00:54:32,960 --> 00:54:38,400
And, and so instead of like
trying to hide it, I'm telling

775
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:45,480
it the way that needs to be
heard, because it was not me who

776
00:54:45,480 --> 00:54:49,840
made it good.
It was God who made it good.

777
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:56,240
He turned what could have been
another situation that could

778
00:54:56,240 --> 00:55:02,920
make me suicidal and he turned
it into my heart.

779
00:55:02,960 --> 00:55:06,360
My heart being transformed and
me being able to speak into

780
00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:08,120
other women.
And we did.

781
00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:13,440
Amanda and I got to lead some
women into the prayer to get

782
00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:17,160
Jesus into their heart.
Yeah.

783
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:20,720
And I'm not sure where everyone
is now, you know, like I've, I'm

784
00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:22,400
not in contact with everyone
anymore.

785
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:27,440
But but who knows, who knows
what kind of movement could have

786
00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:29,760
happened.
I'm just the honor.

787
00:55:29,760 --> 00:55:31,160
I'm just honored to be part of
it.

788
00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:35,840
Yeah, man, I track with you on
that.

789
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:41,280
Oh, Jordan, thank you for laying
this out.

790
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:46,240
There's so much there.
We got to explore some pieces a

791
00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:52,160
little bit more, but man, I feel
like I'm just still in absorbing

792
00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:57,120
mode, you know?
I'm so, yeah, a lot in a good

793
00:55:57,120 --> 00:55:59,240
way.
And I'm so grateful for how you

794
00:55:59,240 --> 00:56:05,880
just laid it out in terms of
what could have been essentially

795
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:13,680
A suicidal triggering type of
experience ends up being good

796
00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:18,120
transformative.
And you are declaring that it

797
00:56:18,120 --> 00:56:22,960
was God that did that, not you.
That's worth the price of

798
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:26,360
admission right there.
So, you know, for all of our

799
00:56:26,360 --> 00:56:31,200
listeners, I mean, man, tell us
we're going to we're going to

800
00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:34,280
rewind a little bit, but I want
to stay here right now.

801
00:56:34,280 --> 00:56:39,160
Tell us more about the heart
transformation that you've

802
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:47,840
mentioned here recently.
I have to constantly talk to God

803
00:56:47,840 --> 00:56:55,320
every day because once I learned
how like what it means to hear

804
00:56:55,320 --> 00:56:59,840
from God, it doesn't necessarily
mean that I always do, but it's

805
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:07,000
the act of surrender.
And so the heart transformation

806
00:57:07,720 --> 00:57:13,360
is, I know I cannot do this on
my own wisdom.

807
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:19,080
Wisdom only comes from God.
And He makes better decisions

808
00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:28,360
than I do, as you've seen.
And that when you hear from the

809
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:32,880
Creator of the universe that he
loves you, He created you for a

810
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:37,000
purpose and a reason, and that I
have an inherent worth that

811
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:45,320
cannot be taken away.
How, how can I walk into a

812
00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:49,360
meeting about a video project
that I have at work with fear

813
00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:54,520
like I used to, because I was so
scared of what people thought of

814
00:57:54,520 --> 00:58:02,480
me, you know, because I had, no,
I was lost.

815
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:06,280
I, I, I so finding my true
identity.

816
00:58:06,280 --> 00:58:10,360
And that's not necessarily the
name, you know, that people

817
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:13,200
might call themselves that God
called me that I say creative

818
00:58:13,200 --> 00:58:15,560
communicator, but that could
have easily just been something

819
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:20,200
I call myself that feels right.
But I know that I am his

820
00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:23,840
daughter.
And so I, it has taught me like

821
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:26,840
the heart transformation went
from being really fearful all

822
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:34,160
the time because other people's
opinions about me was how I felt

823
00:58:34,160 --> 00:58:37,480
about myself.
And the heart transformation is

824
00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:47,240
now I know whose I am and I can,
I can do scary things or just

825
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:52,480
normal things with less anxiety
and less fear and make just like

826
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:56,040
basic everyday decision making
is no longer rooted in fear or

827
00:58:56,040 --> 00:59:02,880
scarcity, but it's in abundance
and it's in peace.

828
00:59:03,680 --> 00:59:06,880
And I've learned that you can
really only make decisions from

829
00:59:06,880 --> 00:59:09,280
a place of fear or from a place
of peace.

830
00:59:10,720 --> 00:59:16,360
Those are the only two options.
And so I, I'm learning how to

831
00:59:16,360 --> 00:59:18,440
choose peace.
And I'm not great at it.

832
00:59:18,880 --> 00:59:25,280
I'm still learning.
But it's like I, yeah, I could

833
00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:29,000
be fallible because like, I
don't have to be perfect.

834
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:32,880
And I, there's like a weight
lifted off me, you know, because

835
00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:36,360
of that.
And I think maybe I was numbing

836
00:59:36,360 --> 00:59:40,520
myself for so long because I
felt like I wasn't perfect.

837
00:59:42,560 --> 00:59:44,640
And I really wanted to be
perfect a lot.

838
00:59:44,640 --> 00:59:50,040
I mean, I was, you know, good in
school, but I couldn't apply

839
00:59:50,040 --> 00:59:53,040
that outside of school.
And so I think that's where it

840
00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:57,080
all began.
And when it's that easy of a fix

841
00:59:57,080 --> 01:00:01,040
to just change your mind and be
like, Oh yeah, I'm actually OK,

842
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:03,120
God loves me.
He created me with a purpose and

843
01:00:03,120 --> 01:00:08,000
a worth.
Then like that's transformation.

844
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:12,040
Yeah.
Yeah.

845
01:00:12,040 --> 01:00:13,360
I hope that answered your
question.

846
01:00:14,160 --> 01:00:27,150
How did you get there?
You know, I think I spent so

847
01:00:27,150 --> 01:00:31,350
many years being so miserable
that it was kind of like a Hail

848
01:00:31,350 --> 01:00:41,880
Mary, you know, Because I know
what it's like to want to die.

849
01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:45,240
I know what it's like to not
feel like there's any point in

850
01:00:45,240 --> 01:00:50,760
living anymore.
And there were little glimpses

851
01:00:50,760 --> 01:00:55,480
of people loving me.
Like there's probably three

852
01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:59,320
women that I used to work with
who really showed me who Jesus

853
01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:04,040
is and who drew me back to him
just by loving me and accepting

854
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:08,360
me and forgiving me and giving
me whatever I needed, even if

855
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:15,080
that was tough love.
But it was like, nothing's going

856
01:01:15,080 --> 01:01:18,600
to change if nothing changes.
Nothing changes if nothing

857
01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:23,840
changes.
And so how do I stop?

858
01:01:25,400 --> 01:01:28,400
Like, how do I survive this?
Because if I don't change my

859
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:32,000
mind radically about who I am
and how I'm making decisions in

860
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:37,080
life, I will be stuck in this
cycle forever or I'm going to

861
01:01:37,080 --> 01:01:44,200
die or I'm going to die.
And I, I finally got to the

862
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:47,000
point where I'm like, OK, I
don't really want to die.

863
01:01:47,320 --> 01:01:49,280
I just don't want to live like
this anymore.

864
01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:53,720
And so it was a, it was a
desperate call.

865
01:01:53,720 --> 01:01:59,480
And I, because I grew up in
church and because I knew Bible

866
01:01:59,480 --> 01:02:03,160
verses and, you know, for the
first couple of years I was

867
01:02:03,160 --> 01:02:05,600
really struggling.
I was actually very anti God.

868
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:09,600
I don't know if I would say I
was atheist, but it's not that I

869
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:10,840
didn't have a relationship with
God.

870
01:02:10,840 --> 01:02:16,080
It was I had a bad relationship
with God and.

871
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:24,040
I understand that.
And when it feels like anger,

872
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:28,800
anger at God for not, you know,
blessing you with the life that

873
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:34,840
you see other people having or,
or what really got me is like,

874
01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:39,160
because I feel like I've always
struggled mentally just with

875
01:02:39,160 --> 01:02:42,360
like depression.
And then like knowing that other

876
01:02:42,360 --> 01:02:45,120
people just don't have
depression, I'm like, why do I

877
01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:48,680
have depression, God?
Like, why is this my struggle

878
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:51,720
that I'm that's going to almost
take my life, you know?

879
01:02:52,760 --> 01:02:58,920
And so there's a there's anger.
I was angry all the time and I

880
01:02:58,920 --> 01:03:02,440
was so tired of it.
But something that I learned in

881
01:03:02,440 --> 01:03:08,480
jail, other than weird food she
can make, because that's the

882
01:03:08,480 --> 01:03:13,160
thing out of all the snack
foods, I actually got got to be

883
01:03:13,160 --> 01:03:15,280
really creative with my food
skills in there a little a

884
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:18,000
couple times.
But one of the things I learned

885
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:23,040
in jail was that, and this is
based on a Timothy Keller sermon

886
01:03:23,040 --> 01:03:25,520
that I heard on the podcast that
was available to me on the

887
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:29,800
tablets that you get.
And so he was talking about

888
01:03:29,800 --> 01:03:33,480
anger.
Anger is just energy at the

889
01:03:33,480 --> 01:03:40,120
defense of something like anger
is not inherently bad.

890
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:45,760
And in fact, we should be angry
at injustice and greed, right?

891
01:03:45,960 --> 01:03:51,160
And so I was able to acknowledge
that I was really angry for a

892
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:56,880
long time, but it's, it was what
I was doing with my anger that

893
01:03:56,880 --> 01:03:59,160
was harming me, not the fact
that I was angry.

894
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:06,360
And so not now I'm learning, oh,
I'm OK if I'm angry, it's, it's

895
01:04:06,360 --> 01:04:10,640
forgivable to be angry.
And anger is not evil or a sin.

896
01:04:11,680 --> 01:04:16,360
It is how you use it.
And so now I'm not broken, I

897
01:04:16,360 --> 01:04:18,080
just need to figure out how to
use my anger.

898
01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:22,840
And I was able to bring my anger
into church.

899
01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:26,400
I started going to like I was
dipping my toe at a couple

900
01:04:26,400 --> 01:04:30,600
different places in town, but I
found out that and actually like

901
01:04:30,600 --> 01:04:33,920
the church I go to now, they
were a client of ours at the

902
01:04:33,920 --> 01:04:38,120
marketing agency.
And so I was actually before I

903
01:04:38,120 --> 01:04:40,720
was even comfortable going back
to church, years before I

904
01:04:40,720 --> 01:04:45,560
started going back, I was like
kind of forced or had to do a

905
01:04:45,560 --> 01:04:48,800
shoot there, like a photo shoot
there or something that they

906
01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:51,760
were doing.
And so I had an interaction with

907
01:04:51,760 --> 01:04:55,720
an individual at that church.
And then like a year later, I

908
01:04:55,720 --> 01:04:58,400
actually come back to come visit
for real.

909
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:03,600
And that individual remembered
me because I have, I had the

910
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:05,160
time.
I had really bright red hair.

911
01:05:05,160 --> 01:05:07,320
And he goes, hey, red.
I was wondering when you'd come

912
01:05:07,320 --> 01:05:12,120
back, and it was just that,
like, yeah.

913
01:05:12,120 --> 01:05:15,040
And I, that's not a coincidence
either, you know?

914
01:05:17,560 --> 01:05:21,040
So, yeah, it was a hail.
I was so angry.

915
01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:25,040
I was tired of it.
I brought my anger to church.

916
01:05:25,680 --> 01:05:29,840
And God doesn't flinch.
He says, come on, let's rumble.

917
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:32,880
And now I'm going to show you
how to start loving yourself

918
01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:36,280
because I love you.
That's what happened.

919
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:42,840
Praise God.
God doesn't flinch.

920
01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:48,360
Let's rumble.
Yeah, because I get that.

921
01:05:49,280 --> 01:05:53,480
I think, I think people get hung
up because they feel like they

922
01:05:53,480 --> 01:05:59,040
can't be honest with God, Like
they have to just appear like

923
01:05:59,280 --> 01:06:02,280
holy this at all times, but like
we're not.

924
01:06:03,800 --> 01:06:07,720
And when you can just be on like
you, nothing will change if you

925
01:06:07,720 --> 01:06:10,280
lie to yourself about it and
nothing will change if you lie

926
01:06:10,280 --> 01:06:13,560
to God about it.
That's how addicts get out of

927
01:06:13,560 --> 01:06:16,840
addiction because they have to
have that honest conversation.

928
01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:23,240
But nothing changes if you're
lying to yourself or to God or

929
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:30,240
to others.
And so bring your honest rage

930
01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:35,720
more questions to God and just
watch how he still loves us.

931
01:06:36,840 --> 01:06:40,440
That doesn't make sense.
But then it starts to make sense

932
01:06:40,440 --> 01:06:42,200
because you learn the character
of God.

933
01:06:43,400 --> 01:06:46,600
And then it gets really exciting
because, well, then he calls you

934
01:06:46,600 --> 01:06:48,880
to do the same thing and you're
like, oh, I don't know if I can

935
01:06:48,880 --> 01:06:53,520
do that.
And then he gives us the

936
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:55,160
strength to do it.
Yeah.

937
01:06:56,240 --> 01:06:58,480
And then he gives us a lot of
opportunities to practice it to

938
01:06:58,560 --> 01:07:02,520
you.
That's for sure.

939
01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:07,440
Oh wow.
Tell us a little bit about

940
01:07:07,440 --> 01:07:14,560
surrender, because you use that.
Word, it's hard.

941
01:07:16,880 --> 01:07:21,000
So just to reiterate, surrender,
I think has to start with

942
01:07:21,000 --> 01:07:32,520
honesty because I think for a
lot of years I only surrendered

943
01:07:32,720 --> 01:07:40,600
the things that I felt OK losing
and I held on to the things I, I

944
01:07:40,600 --> 01:07:45,320
didn't know.
I don't know who I am without.

945
01:07:48,240 --> 01:07:50,560
I can't just surrender
everything, you know, that's

946
01:07:50,560 --> 01:07:58,160
what I was feeling like it's
terrifying because it's that

947
01:07:58,160 --> 01:08:03,240
loss of control.
It's it's admitting that I don't

948
01:08:03,240 --> 01:08:07,560
have.
I don't know what I'm doing and

949
01:08:11,480 --> 01:08:16,160
I don't know if it happens all
in one day or if it's like a

950
01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:20,200
little bit everyday.
But I think it, it changes that

951
01:08:20,200 --> 01:08:27,520
I think like, or maybe it's like
thematically, like, you know, I

952
01:08:27,520 --> 01:08:33,800
surrendered my anger or my need
for control, you know, on this

953
01:08:33,800 --> 01:08:35,439
day.
But then I then I was able to

954
01:08:35,439 --> 01:08:39,279
surrender my alcohol abuse
another day and you just ship

955
01:08:39,279 --> 01:08:41,640
away at it.
I'm not sure.

956
01:08:41,640 --> 01:08:43,560
I think it's probably different
for everyone.

957
01:08:44,479 --> 01:08:47,920
But for me, it definitely had to
start with honesty.

958
01:08:49,160 --> 01:08:55,439
And it's it really feeling like
I could surrender and that I

959
01:08:55,439 --> 01:08:59,319
would be OK was knowing that I
would always be surrounded by

960
01:08:59,319 --> 01:09:04,279
community.
And that was huge for me because

961
01:09:04,279 --> 01:09:09,840
I don't think I would have been
able to surrender and really

962
01:09:09,840 --> 01:09:16,319
pursue sobriety, like really,
really, if I thought I'd had to

963
01:09:16,319 --> 01:09:19,200
do it alone.
And I did.

964
01:09:19,319 --> 01:09:22,319
I tried the A a meetings and
stuff.

965
01:09:22,319 --> 01:09:26,600
And there was something about
having to constantly identify

966
01:09:26,600 --> 01:09:31,040
yourself as an alcoholic.
I still don't even want to say

967
01:09:31,040 --> 01:09:37,640
that now, but it's kind of, it
kind of goes back to just like,

968
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:41,680
what is my identity?
I'm not that's not who God

969
01:09:41,680 --> 01:09:46,240
created me to be.
And I think it's those those are

970
01:09:46,240 --> 01:09:48,000
valuable.
I think a lot of people get a

971
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:52,319
lot of it just it I also, I
don't know, I don't know, I

972
01:09:52,319 --> 01:09:54,840
probably wasn't in the right
space when I actually went, but

973
01:09:55,520 --> 01:09:58,760
surrendering is really hard.
But I think honesty and

974
01:09:58,760 --> 01:10:05,280
community and then just the
desire to know that Timothy

975
01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:07,400
Keller, I'm going to quote him
every day.

976
01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:14,440
He said something like, it's the
just, it's kind of like the

977
01:10:14,440 --> 01:10:19,040
concept of he was defining
self-control in this way, but I

978
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:20,600
think it fits for surrender as
well.

979
01:10:20,600 --> 01:10:24,000
And it's the desire for the
greater thing instead of the

980
01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:29,880
immediate thing.
I track with you on that.

981
01:10:30,240 --> 01:10:33,480
Yeah, I think that's interesting
that surrender and self-control

982
01:10:33,480 --> 01:10:38,280
can kind of fit with the same
definition.

983
01:10:38,280 --> 01:10:43,200
But yeah, I think you have to
choose the the greater thing

984
01:10:43,200 --> 01:10:49,960
that might take a little longer
than choosing the thing that you

985
01:10:49,960 --> 01:10:54,000
want right now.
Yeah, yeah.

986
01:10:56,400 --> 01:11:02,560
Well, fill us in a little bit
more on your sobriety and give

987
01:11:02,560 --> 01:11:04,520
us a little bit of what that
journey look like because you've

988
01:11:04,520 --> 01:11:09,000
mentioned it, you sprinkled it
in along the way, you know, and

989
01:11:09,000 --> 01:11:12,400
talked about in some instances
pursuing it more so than others

990
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:15,600
and maybe just round that out
for us.

991
01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:20,760
Absolutely.
You know, so after you get a

992
01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:24,440
DUI, you have a little device
put into your car.

993
01:11:25,200 --> 01:11:36,000
And so for the first or after
the second, DUII had that in

994
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:41,560
there for like 2 1/2 years.
And so it was, that was my

995
01:11:41,560 --> 01:11:45,680
container.
And it was that outside force

996
01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:48,240
that was kind of making me like,
if I want to use my car to go to

997
01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:51,440
work, I better be able to start
my car.

998
01:11:52,800 --> 01:11:58,120
And so, and it's not like I was
drinking in the morning, but

999
01:11:58,120 --> 01:12:02,240
like, if you drink enough the
night before, it'll still be in

1000
01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:08,720
your system.
And so I, it, it was like an, a

1001
01:12:08,720 --> 01:12:11,520
container for me to start
thinking in that way.

1002
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:16,560
But I think it also prolonged my
true surrender to sobriety

1003
01:12:16,560 --> 01:12:20,080
because I was able to like, I
knew exactly how much I could

1004
01:12:20,080 --> 01:12:23,040
drink so that I'd be able to go
to work in the morning.

1005
01:12:23,520 --> 01:12:28,040
And so it still ruled my life
even though I knew how to kind

1006
01:12:28,040 --> 01:12:31,280
of like, you know, oh, I can't
be addicted.

1007
01:12:31,280 --> 01:12:35,920
If I'm keeping a job, I'm
showing up every day, right.

1008
01:12:36,640 --> 01:12:38,880
But I think I was just high
functioning.

1009
01:12:40,440 --> 01:12:45,280
Thankfully, it never led to me
like losing a job or, you know,

1010
01:12:45,280 --> 01:12:47,360
it was it's so socially
acceptable to you.

1011
01:12:48,760 --> 01:12:57,520
And So what it, what really that
sometimes I think that having

1012
01:12:57,520 --> 01:13:00,320
that device in my car was really
harmful for me in certain ways

1013
01:13:00,320 --> 01:13:02,520
because it just meant if I
wanted to drink, I would just do

1014
01:13:02,520 --> 01:13:08,800
at home alone.
And so instead of going out and

1015
01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:15,600
being with people, I could just
be alone.

1016
01:13:16,520 --> 01:13:23,120
And so in some ways, like not
that that device did that, but I

1017
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:28,760
that's how I chose to circumvent
trying to get sober.

1018
01:13:29,200 --> 01:13:33,600
But yeah, so for years, like off
and on, I would, you know, I

1019
01:13:33,600 --> 01:13:36,760
read books, I was listening like
listening to sobriety podcast.

1020
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:43,160
I would really want it.
But then I'm just, I am a

1021
01:13:43,160 --> 01:13:45,360
sensitive person.
And so like, if there was a

1022
01:13:45,360 --> 01:13:50,760
breakup or like, you know, I
would, that would become my way

1023
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:54,960
to numb.
And so I knew what I was doing

1024
01:13:54,960 --> 01:13:57,160
the whole time.
I wasn't like, I wonder why I

1025
01:13:57,160 --> 01:13:59,160
drink.
I knew why I was drinking.

1026
01:14:01,880 --> 01:14:06,240
And so but I, I was just
choosing to do it.

1027
01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:09,800
But then I knew like, I can
always choose to stop.

1028
01:14:11,560 --> 01:14:14,680
And so it was always just kind
of like whenever I get sober,

1029
01:14:14,680 --> 01:14:19,840
not if, but I just never felt
like my life was important

1030
01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:25,920
enough to really stop.
And so it wasn't until I really,

1031
01:14:26,560 --> 01:14:29,720
you know, because I was going to
therapy, I was doing all the

1032
01:14:29,720 --> 01:14:33,560
cooking stuff from the out, you
know, I was starting a business.

1033
01:14:33,560 --> 01:14:36,560
I had a great job, I was happy
and I had friends.

1034
01:14:36,560 --> 01:14:40,200
But like, it wasn't until I
actually started on a spiritual

1035
01:14:40,200 --> 01:14:49,400
journey that I was able to
really learn that I was worth

1036
01:14:49,600 --> 01:14:56,240
pursuing sobriety for.
And I think something that pops

1037
01:14:56,240 --> 01:15:01,800
up with perpetually single
people who might have this

1038
01:15:01,800 --> 01:15:07,440
problem is that, you know, we
live alone unless we have a

1039
01:15:07,440 --> 01:15:10,480
roommate, but we live alone.
We have no one to like show up

1040
01:15:10,480 --> 01:15:17,960
for or be responsible for.
And it doesn't like, I think

1041
01:15:18,040 --> 01:15:23,520
there were times in my life
where I would say I, well, if I

1042
01:15:23,520 --> 01:15:25,760
had a boyfriend, I would be
sober.

1043
01:15:27,000 --> 01:15:30,880
But that's putting more
importance on me being sober for

1044
01:15:30,880 --> 01:15:32,920
someone else and not meeting
sober for me.

1045
01:15:34,440 --> 01:15:37,840
And so it really took my
spiritual journey to learn my

1046
01:15:37,840 --> 01:15:42,600
identity, to figure out the lies
that I was believing and how to

1047
01:15:42,600 --> 01:15:46,360
actually like record over got
those lies of the world with

1048
01:15:46,360 --> 01:15:52,520
God's truth and learn who I was
that I was like, Oh, I'm really

1049
01:15:52,640 --> 01:15:56,280
doing the world of disservice by
not showing up as the person

1050
01:15:56,280 --> 01:16:01,160
that God created me to be.
And so that's, that's when it

1051
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:07,560
was like, how, how do I, how do
I fix this?

1052
01:16:08,560 --> 01:16:12,800
It was after the, the car wreck
in March 2024.

1053
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:20,800
I woke up with my left side of
my head on this, the airbag that

1054
01:16:20,800 --> 01:16:28,720
deployed and police lights and I
just like kind of fallen into a

1055
01:16:28,720 --> 01:16:33,720
ditch And so like, but it, it
was on a road right by a river.

1056
01:16:34,600 --> 01:16:36,840
I could have gone into a river.
I mean, I could have gone into

1057
01:16:36,840 --> 01:16:42,000
that river or I could have hit
another car and it was, it was

1058
01:16:42,000 --> 01:16:46,680
like, this is what, even though
like at that that night, I

1059
01:16:46,680 --> 01:16:49,600
wouldn't have considered like
considered myself to be that

1060
01:16:49,600 --> 01:16:54,040
bad.
That is what alcohol could

1061
01:16:54,040 --> 01:16:59,960
potentially do to my life.
And so it was like that really

1062
01:17:00,440 --> 01:17:06,120
that really I really
internalized the fact that like

1063
01:17:06,120 --> 01:17:10,720
I could have killed someone.
And unfortunately I didn't have

1064
01:17:10,720 --> 01:17:14,400
that realization with the other
two.

1065
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:21,560
And I was like, this is, this
isn't just like a waste of time.

1066
01:17:21,880 --> 01:17:27,080
This could, this could ruin my
life and it, and it kind of did.

1067
01:17:27,560 --> 01:17:30,880
But guess who made it good?
God made it good.

1068
01:17:32,560 --> 01:17:35,920
Yeah, God made it good.
I mean, I still regret a lot of

1069
01:17:35,920 --> 01:17:39,320
the things that a lot of the
time that I've like spent.

1070
01:17:39,320 --> 01:17:44,120
Like, I still feel like maybe I
would be doing something cooler

1071
01:17:44,120 --> 01:17:47,640
in a cooler place, like if I
actually lived up to my

1072
01:17:47,640 --> 01:17:52,000
potential.
But I'm placed here.

1073
01:17:52,040 --> 01:17:54,600
This is what happened to me.
This is how God is working.

1074
01:17:55,160 --> 01:17:58,960
I wouldn't have met.
And I keep thinking about, you

1075
01:17:58,960 --> 01:18:02,920
know, the timing, the place, why
was it 15 months between the

1076
01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:05,160
arrest and the, you know,
sentencing?

1077
01:18:06,440 --> 01:18:10,400
And I think it's because there
was some kind of orchestration

1078
01:18:11,360 --> 01:18:13,840
of who would be in the room with
me during that time.

1079
01:18:15,920 --> 01:18:21,040
That's not a coincidence, right?
I think that's why server

1080
01:18:21,040 --> 01:18:24,160
journey, I think that that's it.
Like, you really have to admit,

1081
01:18:24,560 --> 01:18:28,080
like, this could kill me or
someone else.

1082
01:18:28,640 --> 01:18:34,520
And only when it gets to that
point will you really make that

1083
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:39,840
change.
Yeah, well, I think I've got one

1084
01:18:39,840 --> 01:18:45,360
more for you before we kind of
land the plane with our

1085
01:18:45,520 --> 01:18:51,120
coincidence or God questions.
Early on in our conversation at

1086
01:18:51,120 --> 01:18:56,600
least, you talked about how your
mom came and got you and then

1087
01:18:56,600 --> 01:19:01,040
how she also moved to and you
followed her to Tennessee.

1088
01:19:02,120 --> 01:19:06,240
Where's Mom fit into all of the
later parts of your story that

1089
01:19:06,240 --> 01:19:08,320
you shared that we haven't heard
about her?

1090
01:19:12,520 --> 01:19:15,920
I mean, she's constantly we
still, I still a bugger every

1091
01:19:15,920 --> 01:19:21,840
day or every other day, you
know, you know, we still, we, we

1092
01:19:21,840 --> 01:19:26,080
have very honest conversations
and it's not always been the

1093
01:19:26,080 --> 01:19:33,800
easiest because you know, people
who've done things that I've

1094
01:19:33,800 --> 01:19:37,720
done, you've come to find out
that that really hurts your

1095
01:19:37,720 --> 01:19:41,480
family.
And so we've had we've had those

1096
01:19:41,480 --> 01:19:46,760
good conversations, but she's
been so good about making sure

1097
01:19:46,840 --> 01:19:50,360
that I know that I can always
come to her.

1098
01:19:51,600 --> 01:19:55,080
And it's been a it's been a hard
season for my family in general.

1099
01:19:55,160 --> 01:20:01,240
And so I can't say much more
other than that, but it's we're

1100
01:20:01,240 --> 01:20:03,760
still.
We're still good.

1101
01:20:05,480 --> 01:20:07,960
But yeah, it's just, it has been
tough.

1102
01:20:08,000 --> 01:20:11,520
And it's not just because of me.
There's, you know, normal life

1103
01:20:11,520 --> 01:20:15,720
stuff and everyone's family has
their issues.

1104
01:20:15,720 --> 01:20:20,920
But, you know, I wish, I do wish
that we were like more on the

1105
01:20:20,920 --> 01:20:23,760
same page with God and the Holy
Spirit.

1106
01:20:23,760 --> 01:20:29,400
And I think that that's
something that I wish I knew how

1107
01:20:29,400 --> 01:20:34,440
to fix or encourage or that's my
next.

1108
01:20:34,440 --> 01:20:36,440
That's something I really am
praying about.

1109
01:20:37,880 --> 01:20:41,480
I so I'm not that I'm not going
to judge her walk with God, but

1110
01:20:42,080 --> 01:20:44,640
I'm the only one in my family
that really has a church

1111
01:20:44,640 --> 01:20:51,080
community and seems to be
serious about my pursuit of like

1112
01:20:51,080 --> 01:20:55,800
spiritual formation.
And even it seems like whenever

1113
01:20:55,800 --> 01:20:58,520
I share like sermons or things
that I think are really good,

1114
01:20:59,680 --> 01:21:01,680
sometimes it feels like it falls
on deaf ears.

1115
01:21:01,680 --> 01:21:08,560
And so I still kind of feel like
an other in that aspect, but I'm

1116
01:21:08,560 --> 01:21:14,400
not going to stop.
And and they've, they've my

1117
01:21:14,400 --> 01:21:17,560
whole family.
I have a brother and a father in

1118
01:21:17,560 --> 01:21:21,080
the picture as well.
They, they constantly, like the

1119
01:21:21,080 --> 01:21:25,640
whole time I was locked up, they
guess who took care of my cats

1120
01:21:26,360 --> 01:21:30,920
every day and showed up for me,
took care of my vehicle.

1121
01:21:30,920 --> 01:21:36,960
You know, there's acts of
service that they showed up when

1122
01:21:37,040 --> 01:21:42,240
I was in my toughest place.
And I wish we were on, you know,

1123
01:21:42,600 --> 01:21:53,320
a more similar mindset when it
comes to prayer or how we talk

1124
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:56,080
to each other.
But that's just still something

1125
01:21:56,080 --> 01:22:00,360
that God's working on.
Yeah.

1126
01:22:01,680 --> 01:22:03,360
Thanks for being vulnerable with
that, Jordan.

1127
01:22:04,960 --> 01:22:08,360
Well, I hope I tell them
everyday that I love them, that

1128
01:22:08,360 --> 01:22:13,680
I'm sorry because I feel like I,
I'm very sorry about the all the

1129
01:22:13,680 --> 01:22:19,600
things that I've done and that
I'm aware of my role and the

1130
01:22:19,600 --> 01:22:26,200
dysfunction.
But I only I say that because.

1131
01:22:32,480 --> 01:22:34,880
I think other people need to
hear it right now too.

1132
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:40,520
You're not alone.
But honesty and conversation is

1133
01:22:40,520 --> 01:22:45,080
what's going to and forgiveness
is the only way through it.

1134
01:22:47,120 --> 01:22:49,600
And it helps if you if you all
have the same sense of humor

1135
01:22:49,600 --> 01:22:53,840
because even if we're not on the
same page and other ways, we're

1136
01:22:53,840 --> 01:22:58,120
constantly sharing bad jokes.
And so that's the dynamic.

1137
01:22:58,960 --> 01:23:02,760
Yeah.
Oh, wow.

1138
01:23:02,760 --> 01:23:07,000
Jordan, thanks for sharing all
this.

1139
01:23:07,520 --> 01:23:09,480
Absolutely.
You've been, you've been very

1140
01:23:09,480 --> 01:23:14,960
clear that many things that have
occurred have not been

1141
01:23:15,520 --> 01:23:20,320
coincidences.
But we asked the question of all

1142
01:23:20,320 --> 01:23:26,840
of our guests.
OK, so we've got 15 months

1143
01:23:28,840 --> 01:23:31,920
instead of a much shorter time
frame.

1144
01:23:32,000 --> 01:23:38,840
We've got Amanda and Amanda's 20
minute gap after you're in

1145
01:23:38,840 --> 01:23:43,240
street clothes.
We've got three people that

1146
01:23:43,240 --> 01:23:50,040
somehow get into your apartment
and basically save you from

1147
01:23:50,040 --> 01:23:51,480
dying.
Yes.

1148
01:23:51,920 --> 01:23:55,080
We got all kinds of stuff
because you've covered a lot of

1149
01:23:55,080 --> 01:23:58,240
ground and I don't have all of
those pieces.

1150
01:23:59,120 --> 01:24:05,360
But the question is, were those
things coincidence or was God

1151
01:24:05,360 --> 01:24:13,880
moving?
I would not be alive if God

1152
01:24:15,840 --> 01:24:21,160
didn't orchestrate the people I
knew, the people I worked with.

1153
01:24:22,400 --> 01:24:26,360
They knew where I live, all the
details when they came.

1154
01:24:27,760 --> 01:24:32,240
I wouldn't have survived the 65
days in jail and the way that I

1155
01:24:32,240 --> 01:24:37,800
did without a person who knew
how to talk my language and talk

1156
01:24:37,800 --> 01:24:47,640
other people's language, right?
Like, and the 15 months, I mean,

1157
01:24:47,640 --> 01:24:51,080
that's completely.
I had no way of knowing when

1158
01:24:51,640 --> 01:24:55,040
because the courts could have at
any time said no, you have to

1159
01:24:55,040 --> 01:25:00,520
show up at this time.
But it was just so lucky.

1160
01:25:00,520 --> 01:25:03,480
And I know that not everyone
else has that opportunity.

1161
01:25:03,480 --> 01:25:07,440
And I think part of it is
because it wasn't a bigger

1162
01:25:07,440 --> 01:25:10,280
charge.
And I've had the same job for

1163
01:25:10,280 --> 01:25:13,840
7-8 years at that point.
And so the community didn't see

1164
01:25:13,840 --> 01:25:16,120
me as, I guess, a huge threat to
be out.

1165
01:25:19,280 --> 01:25:24,280
But still, the judge didn't have
to say yes, right?

1166
01:25:24,840 --> 01:25:28,800
There are so many ways that that
could have been different.

1167
01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:34,080
But I think I think I was
supposed to give that Ted Talk,

1168
01:25:34,720 --> 01:25:37,720
the Ted X talk, the more
regional, smaller version of

1169
01:25:37,720 --> 01:25:43,480
Ted, But because he was
preparing me, because it wasn't,

1170
01:25:43,480 --> 01:25:46,280
it's not just that night.
Like you have six months to

1171
01:25:46,280 --> 01:25:49,360
prepare for that.
And I was doing, I was learning

1172
01:25:49,360 --> 01:25:55,080
about like vocal image and like
writing and Oh gosh, is falling

1173
01:25:55,080 --> 01:25:59,040
in love with the like, like
audition or not audition, but

1174
01:25:59,040 --> 01:26:05,560
like the practicing and body
movement and just storytelling

1175
01:26:05,600 --> 01:26:09,040
and doing something that I'm
scared to do.

1176
01:26:09,200 --> 01:26:13,840
And all of that was training to
go into the scariest place I

1177
01:26:13,840 --> 01:26:15,920
could think of and talk about
Jesus.

1178
01:26:17,960 --> 01:26:21,400
I don't think I could have done.
I would not have been able.

1179
01:26:21,400 --> 01:26:23,920
I've never I've never actually
thought about that before.

1180
01:26:24,200 --> 01:26:31,120
But it wasn't just like, Oh,
this is a of fun opportunity

1181
01:26:31,120 --> 01:26:33,760
that Jordan gets to do.
But I was nominated.

1182
01:26:33,760 --> 01:26:38,080
I didn't even, I wasn't going to
apply because I was too scared

1183
01:26:38,080 --> 01:26:40,480
even though I wanted to.
And then I found out that I was

1184
01:26:40,480 --> 01:26:46,120
nominated to do it.
I still don't know who nominated

1185
01:26:46,120 --> 01:26:50,240
me.
Wow.

1186
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:52,520
Yeah.
Wow.

1187
01:26:53,680 --> 01:26:58,440
But it's because I was, I was
sharing my heart.

1188
01:26:59,480 --> 01:27:04,600
I had like a little tiny podcast
on my Instagram, my baking page.

1189
01:27:05,040 --> 01:27:08,680
And it's odd, I was having a
little podcast about resiliency.

1190
01:27:08,720 --> 01:27:11,480
It's called at East.
I'm trying because I'm all about

1191
01:27:11,480 --> 01:27:16,600
the pun.
That's good, but yeast?

1192
01:27:16,640 --> 01:27:18,440
I'm trying.
Yeast I'm trying because the

1193
01:27:18,440 --> 01:27:21,160
point is like, at least you're
trying something.

1194
01:27:21,440 --> 01:27:25,360
And it was the like lessons of
resiliency from chefs, foodies

1195
01:27:25,360 --> 01:27:29,560
and bakers or from the kitchen.
But it was conversations about

1196
01:27:29,560 --> 01:27:32,840
resiliency on like a tiny little
micro bakery page.

1197
01:27:33,160 --> 01:27:35,920
And it's because I was obedient
and knowing that, like, I'm

1198
01:27:35,920 --> 01:27:40,800
supposed to have conversations
to people about this topic and

1199
01:27:40,800 --> 01:27:42,640
whatever sphere of influence I
have.

1200
01:27:42,640 --> 01:27:46,360
And because of that, someone
saw, hey, I want her.

1201
01:27:46,440 --> 01:27:48,080
I want to see her do a TEDx
talk.

1202
01:27:48,520 --> 01:27:52,320
And because of the TEDx Talk,
oh, hey, I have the courage to

1203
01:27:52,320 --> 01:27:56,520
step into a room full of women
who scare me and show them love

1204
01:27:57,200 --> 01:27:58,640
and show them how to hear from
God.

1205
01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:03,120
Yeah.
None of it's a coincidence.

1206
01:28:03,960 --> 01:28:05,720
None of it is.
Yeah.

1207
01:28:08,440 --> 01:28:10,200
Thank you for being clear about
that.

1208
01:28:10,280 --> 01:28:16,480
Yeah, I love that that's the
point of the show to you, and I

1209
01:28:16,480 --> 01:28:18,200
love that.
I love that you do that.

1210
01:28:18,200 --> 01:28:21,320
So thank you for all the stories
that I've listened to you on

1211
01:28:21,320 --> 01:28:25,440
your platform that remind me
that that's the case.

1212
01:28:25,880 --> 01:28:33,160
There is a God who is so
sovereign and knows what the I

1213
01:28:33,160 --> 01:28:35,280
mean, even when it feels like
nothing's going right.

1214
01:28:35,440 --> 01:28:39,880
It you don't, you have no idea
and just you can have a hope and

1215
01:28:39,880 --> 01:28:44,480
you can have faith that
something, something's happening

1216
01:28:44,960 --> 01:28:48,840
and it's going to be OK.
Yeah, really.

1217
01:28:48,840 --> 01:28:50,880
Well said.
I mean, I've got countless

1218
01:28:50,880 --> 01:28:53,320
guests that that I think would
agree with you.

1219
01:28:53,320 --> 01:28:56,520
And I know that I certainly can,
like no question.

1220
01:28:56,800 --> 01:29:02,600
Yeah, well, let's land this
plane with the last question.

1221
01:29:02,960 --> 01:29:06,840
OK.
Which is, how has your life

1222
01:29:06,840 --> 01:29:09,880
changed as a result of
everything that you've

1223
01:29:09,880 --> 01:29:15,960
described?
I look at myself in the mirror

1224
01:29:16,800 --> 01:29:26,880
and I'm proud I'm able to be
more honest with myself about my

1225
01:29:26,880 --> 01:29:33,720
own failings.
Gosh, Oh, I walk around without

1226
01:29:33,720 --> 01:29:38,560
like the weight of self
promotion, self preservation

1227
01:29:38,560 --> 01:29:43,800
constantly.
And my life has really changed

1228
01:29:43,800 --> 01:29:48,120
because since I got out a
project that I've been working

1229
01:29:48,120 --> 01:29:54,280
on with my old boss, because
we're actually doing, we're

1230
01:29:54,280 --> 01:29:59,120
going doing some light training
training like identity hearing,

1231
01:29:59,680 --> 01:30:04,200
sorry, identity training and
contemplative listening

1232
01:30:04,440 --> 01:30:10,280
trainings for Staffs of clients
that we've worked with.

1233
01:30:10,280 --> 01:30:14,280
And we're kind of creating, you
know, by the blessing of Jamie

1234
01:30:14,280 --> 01:30:20,680
and Donna Winship, just a two
man team that goes in and helps

1235
01:30:20,680 --> 01:30:25,440
organizations build whole
resilient people.

1236
01:30:26,560 --> 01:30:31,920
And I, I, I came out of jail and
then they welcomed me back into

1237
01:30:31,920 --> 01:30:33,840
work.
They said, actually, do you want

1238
01:30:33,840 --> 01:30:36,680
to do this other thing instead?
So I'm still doing a lot of the

1239
01:30:36,680 --> 01:30:40,200
creative stuff at work, but my
life has changed because like,

1240
01:30:40,880 --> 01:30:45,920
because of my experience, I'm
more qualified to speak to

1241
01:30:45,920 --> 01:30:51,120
people who might need to hear
from someone had my experiences.

1242
01:30:52,520 --> 01:30:54,880
That happens.
I didn't, I didn't even think

1243
01:30:54,880 --> 01:30:57,200
about including that either,
Nick, until you asked that

1244
01:30:57,200 --> 01:30:59,240
question.
But my life has changed because

1245
01:30:59,240 --> 01:31:05,320
now I'm walking the talk every
day.

1246
01:31:06,400 --> 01:31:10,520
And when you are stuck in the
cycle of addiction, everything's

1247
01:31:10,520 --> 01:31:13,120
a facade because no one can
really know what you're doing.

1248
01:31:14,240 --> 01:31:16,440
But now I'm like, I'm in truth
and I'm in peace.

1249
01:31:17,480 --> 01:31:21,600
And circumstances aren't that
much different.

1250
01:31:21,680 --> 01:31:25,880
Money's not that much better.
Like, still single, like still

1251
01:31:25,880 --> 01:31:28,520
have family dysfunction.
All the circumstances are

1252
01:31:28,520 --> 01:31:30,760
different.
But now I know who's I am and

1253
01:31:30,760 --> 01:31:35,240
what he calls me.
That's how it changed, yeah.

1254
01:31:35,760 --> 01:31:44,840
Man praise God because those
seem like small words, but that

1255
01:31:44,840 --> 01:31:47,600
is not.
That's a that.

1256
01:31:47,600 --> 01:31:50,400
That's an entirely different
life for you.

1257
01:31:52,120 --> 01:31:58,480
Absolutely, absolutely.
And I, I wish like that's why I

1258
01:31:58,480 --> 01:32:04,040
go on these podcasts and share
what I share because I want

1259
01:32:05,120 --> 01:32:09,800
specifically women to know that
there is a God who created,

1260
01:32:10,200 --> 01:32:12,680
created us with a purpose and a
worth.

1261
01:32:13,760 --> 01:32:18,720
And we can record over the lies
of the world with God's truth.

1262
01:32:19,880 --> 01:32:25,520
And once we walk, walk every day
knowing that we are loved and

1263
01:32:25,520 --> 01:32:30,120
that we don't have to again,
self promote self preservation.

1264
01:32:30,120 --> 01:32:36,200
Like we can just be loved and
then that weight falls off our

1265
01:32:36,200 --> 01:32:38,840
shoulder.
We can, like, have more joy,

1266
01:32:38,840 --> 01:32:44,120
more peace, more self-control.
That's why.

1267
01:32:44,120 --> 01:32:45,880
I mean, I don't know.
That's why I do it.

1268
01:32:47,280 --> 01:32:50,200
It's all him.
It's all him.

1269
01:32:53,240 --> 01:32:56,320
Thank you for doing it.
Thank you for declaring about

1270
01:32:56,320 --> 01:33:00,600
the king.
It has been a real pleasure to

1271
01:33:00,600 --> 01:33:03,480
talk all this through.
Thank you for being a when you

1272
01:33:03,480 --> 01:33:06,560
look, Jordan.
Thank you for having me, I

1273
01:33:06,560 --> 01:33:13,560
appreciate it.
Was it coincidence or God?

1274
01:33:14,080 --> 01:33:18,840
You decide for yourself, but I
believe you just heard a story

1275
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:22,800
for His glory.
When You Look is powered by

1276
01:33:22,800 --> 01:33:26,320
stories just like this and yours
could be next.

1277
01:33:26,720 --> 01:33:30,920
Go to whenyoulook.com/be a guest
or use the link in the

1278
01:33:30,920 --> 01:33:34,920
description below.
Drop us a comment and share this

1279
01:33:34,920 --> 01:33:37,000
episode with somebody that needs
it.

1280
01:33:37,600 --> 01:33:41,760
Until next time, thanks a bunch
for listening and watching, and

1281
01:33:41,760 --> 01:33:42,600
God bless.